Dr Gorgeous

So back in my country ER days, one day Dr Gorgeous travels in from the big city. He's hot and he knows it. Mr Charismatic! He woos the patients with good looks and mile high bullshit, he woos the nurses with quick discharges and big workups only on the truly ill.

A pathetic, chronic backpainer everyone hates comes in and Dr G goes in to see him. No doc has ever gotten rid of this dude without caving into dilaudid. I overhear the whole thing.

"I see you've been here 7 times in the last 2 weeks for this back pain. You POOR bastard, you must really be in a lot of PAIN!" His voice was DRIPPING with pity.

The guy nods. I choke on my bubblegum.

Dr G switches gears "UnFORtunately I cannot treat your chronic pain here in the ER and you've already had tons of xrays so I'm going to do what I can and discharge you with a prescription for motrin. I really hope you get better soon!"

The patient didn't know what hit him and I fell in love with Dr Gorgeous as pathetic dude limped out.

Not that kind of love. Don't confuse me with the subject of Dr Gs cell phone conversation with his wife overheard later "It was JUST a FUCKING TEXT! It was a JOKE, I don't know why she'd send me that picture of herself, I was just fucking around when I asked for it."

Ahem.

So, another day Dr G is scheduled to travel in locums and we're all happy, its gonna be a good day.

We get country patient. Hugely obese, dirty, talks with a bad speech impediment, has 6 kids who also have crossed eyes and babble with retardation. Her sister comes in, she brings her shortbus kids as well but can at least communicate. Patient is writhing in the bed yelling "ow, ow, mah hed huwts!"

Line, lab, head CT. All negative. Fluids and non-narcotic migraine cocktail do the trick. She gets discharged and the whole kit and caboodle leave with a little mustached, tattooed dude who showed up at some point.

Shift change rolls around about an hour later and dear old Dr Elderly comes running in breathless, I'm holding my breath as I watch his one severley bowed leg somehow holding up for the sprint.

"There's a woman down in the parking lot! Hurry hurry, she's beside the car! She's on the ground!"

Great. I'm nearest the door, closest to the wheelchairs. All 5'4 120lbs of me and no male nurses or techs that day. I grab a wheelchair and head out by my lonesome.

I find the headache patient lying on the ground right outside the ER, beside the minivan full of slowkids, the side door is wide open and she's writhing again holding her head.

"I went! To bugga king and my hay ait come back!"

Little tattooed dude volunteers "she dinna even eat her fwies!"

Just freaking great. I gotta pick her up off the ground.

I hear a voice behind me "Whats going on here?" And it is Dr G in his long white coat, sleeves rolled up, blue eyes shining, gelled hair in perfect place.

But I'm still the nurse. Doctors don't lift patients. Back to reality. I go down to try and hoist her up and Dr G steps between us, puts a Rolex toward me with his hand gesturing me back as he bends down toward the patient.

Little tattoo dude leans over behind Dr Gs other shoulder and coughs.

Dr G shoots up to full height and spins on him "DID YOU JUST COUGH ON ME?!"

White faced, tattoo dude shakes his head no.

Dr G orders the patient to get up and get in the wheelchair and she OBEYS.

I wheel her in for Dr Elderly to take over and order dilaudid dilaudid dilaudid, she pukes up her whopper, and then she gets phenergan and discharged again.

Forever indebted to Dr G I'd send him a picture of anything, anytime.